Hairston Joins Legions of Cub Fans, Realizes Dusty an Idiot

Some simple math, if you will indulge me.

Based on the offseason trade:

Jerry Hairston, Jr. = Sammy Sosa (approximately)

Based on Johnny B. Baker's "reasoning" in starting Neifi Perez over Hairston:

Neifi Perez > Jerry Hairston Jr.

If A = B, and C > A, does it not follow that C > B? Thus, I present you with this conclusion:

Neifi Perez > Sammy Sosa

Sure, Sosa may be the only player in Major League history to hit over 60 home runs in three separate seasons. Sure, Sosa's 2001 season was one of the best offensive seasons ever compiled by a Major League player. But Neifi Perez wears his pants high! The only, and I mean only explanation I can possibly fathom for starting Perez over Hairston in the absence of ordinary second baseman Todd Walker is Johnny B.'s "brothers are better at playing in the sun" philosophy.

It seems Hairston:


Is slightly less dark than Perez:


I present to you, Dusty's logic:

Sun = hot
Hairston's darkness > Perez's darkness

Erego:

Perez = Starting second baseman

Never mind the fact that Hairston has actually played more games at second than has Perez. Never mind the fact that Hairston is far superior with a bat. It's no wonder that Hairston popped off in the media today about his diappointment in Johnny B.'s "decision making." I'd be upset, too, if I were a tanning bed away from being the starting second baseman.