Wood and Prior---Bedmates Again

Mesa, AZ

Early reports out of Cubs camp in Arizona say that ace pitchers Kerry Wood and Mark Prior have both come down with severe cases of inflammation, gout, scurvy, and pre-menstrual syndrome. Some speculate that the symptoms were caused by the torture both endured under Dusty Baker in the last two seasons. Reached for comment as he was repeatedly kicking Carlos Zambrano in the testicles and burning Greg Maddux's retinas with a magnifying glass, Baker said, "Dude, man, that's why you play the game. You play the game because you like pain, man. Because pain makes you know you're alive, right? You know? I mean, I'm in pain right now, and you know I'm alive, right? You see what I'm saying? Pain is life."

Prior partially blamed himself. "It's really my fault for showing up in 2003, having a great season, and giving all of the Cubs fans in the world hope. I mean, what do you expect from someone who went to that condom school in California?" Prior said.

Wood, who played long toss yesterday on flat ground yesterday, was optimistic. Wood commented, "As long as they increase the distance from the mound to the plate to 200 feet, 2 inches, I like my chances of being ready for Opening Day. Oh, yeah. They also need to lower the mound. And by 'lower' I mean 'flatten.'"

When asked if the loss of Wood and Prior along with the exit of Matt Clement to the Red Sox would affect his workload, Zambrano, through clenched teeth, said, "Please just kill me now."

The move to shut down Wood and Prior may be due to over-caution on the Cubs' part, due to injuries to both pitchers last year combined with the turnover of the entire training staff. Larry Rothschild, when asked about the status of Wood and Prior, simply said, "Can you pitch?"

Even people outside of the Cubs organization are weighing in on the injuries to Wood and Prior. "What can I say? I just really really hate Cubs fans," God, a local celebrity, said.