Finally! Someone to hate more than Todd F. Hundley!

The new face of losing in Chicago.

Jeromy Burnitz. Well, crap. Gone are my hopes of Dunn, Huff, Wilkerson, Kearns, and Magglio. Gone is my five-year-old prediction that the Cubs would win the World Series in 2005. Gone is my belief in God. Gone is my will to live. Jeromy Burnitz.

How long will it be before "Jeromy N. Burnitz" becomes "Jeromy F. Burnitz"? July? June? Spring Training? After 80 strikeouts? 100? 120? Is this what has become of Cooter from the Dukes of Hazzard?


Cooter sez, "At least I can hit the cutoff man!"

More importantly, what the hell happened to Jim Hendry? Is this the same guy who got Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton in exchange for directions to the Texaco? The same guy who turned Todd F. Hundley and Fred F. McGriff into Eric Karros and Mark Grudzielanek? I think I have this figured out. There is someone whispering dark things into Jim Hendry's ears. Someone who is manipulating Jim from the shadows. Someone who told Jim to ignore things like age and talent in deciding who he wants patrolling right field next year. His name is Grima Wormtongue. Here is a picture of Jim right before the Burnitz signing.


His words are filled with poison. His skin, with sunblock.

You can obviously see Jim on the right, looking almost as old as Burnitz. If you look very closely, though, you can just catch a glimpse of Grima on the left, thinking something nefarious, no doubt. Perhaps it was Grima who suggested to Jim that replacing our aging, whiffing slugger with an aging, whiffing slug with less power was a good idea?

Then, another theory hit me. Let's review our current Opening Day lineup, shall we?

1. Jerry Hairston Jr. LF
2. Todd Walker 2B
3. Nomar Garciaparra SS
4. Aramis Ramirez 3B
5. Jeromy F. Burnitz RF
6. Derek Lee 1B
7. Corey Patterson CF
8. Michael Barrett C

It's so obvious. The only reason Hendry intentionally signed Burnitz is because he wants to have the entire alphabet represented in his starting lineup, and he needed the "u" in "Burnitz." Guys like Nomar are pulling their weight in Hendry's All-Alphabet Lineup. Guys like Lee? Not so much. I expect a trade for Robb Quinlan to come through in the next few days, as Hendry needs a "Q." After pondering my theory, though, I question Hendry's move to replace the lengthily-named Mark Grudzielanek with the frugally-named Todd Walker, and I fully expect Grudzielanek to be back. In that vein, I believe Hendry's plan will come to full fruition next year, when his Opening Day lineup will be:

1. 1B Doug Mientkiewicz
2. 2B Mark Grudzielanek
3. SS Nomar Garciaparra
4. 3B Rob Mackowiak
5. C A.J. Pierzynski
6. LF Quinton McCracken
   
7. CF Corey Patterson
8. RF Todd Hollandsworth

Good luck filling out that lineup card. No wonder they're taking the names off the backs of the home jerseys.