Kenny Williams is Killing Ozzie Guillen

SURPRISE, Ariz.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen had a cardiac catheterization performed on him this Wednesday, lending even more credence to my theory that Kenny Williams is trying to kill Guillen. How else do you explain trading Carlos Lee for Scott Podsednik and Luis Viscaino? Or flat-out refusing to negotiate with any Scott Boras clients? Or deciding that Orlando "El Doody" Hernandez and Jose Contreras are a good 40% of a starting rotation? Or throwing A.J. Pierzynski into a clubhouse full of guys that he absolutely used to hate?

I thought the Cubs had problems. The Cubs are merely Marilyn Manson to the White Sox's Charles Manson.

Countdown to Disaster

So, the Cubs' 2005 March to Futility begins on April 4th, huh? That's only 18 days after St. Patrick's Day, which should give me just enough time to recover from my hangover. That way, I can brace myself for a new round of drinking away my Cub fan woes in 2005.

The Cubs have assured gullible idiots like me that both Wood and Prior will be ready for the start of the season. They also said Wood probably won't start Opening Day. Call me crazy, but isn't Opening Day "the start of the season"?

Remember 2004? Or, as I call it, "The Summer of Lies"? "Prior's only going to miss a start. Okay, a week. Okay, two weeks. Okay, he's dead. Oh yeah. And Wood shattered every bone in his body like Mr. Glass from Unbreakable." As if these guys both being hurt isn't bad enough, did cubs.com need to pose them for the most homo-erotic photo shoots in the history of baseball?


Immediately after this picture was taken, both Wood and Prior were rushed to the hospital for MRIs on their faces.

I hope to God they keep them in those cages until the season starts. These guys get hurt watching me pitch.